Red Rot

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and i think thats ok

ive been reading my journal a little bit over the past few days. my hand-written, book-bound, scribbled-in, real journal and it reminds me of things ive loved and lost and forgotten, especially about provo.

when i was in provo i felt fun and alive and young, living the college life and basking in my youth and creativity and stagnation and depression. i really think you can bask in all of those things at the same time. and i did. sitting in karls basement playing wario's woods or talking with matt gifford at the corner or sleeping over at elizabeths or barbeque-ing at the swamp.

and i love all of those things. i loved the carefree scandalous-ness of being on my own. i loved driving jonah's red jeep and throwing hotdogs and dried pasta noodles on people while we drove by yelling, "fuck you guys, fuck you"

i didnt mean it. i dont really want to "fuck" anyone; somtimes it just feels glorious to say so, and i think thats ok.

i dont miss being empty in provo. i dont miss struggling to feel things. i dont miss all the good kids being bad. if we're bad as the good kids, how bad are the bad kids? i dont miss being hurt; i dont miss broken hearts, though i needed that god, and you knew that i did. i dont miss the sadness, and not just mine. i dont miss the loneliness or not-good-enough or messing around or trouble or everything there is and shouldnt be i dont miss you.

1:45 p.m. - 2006-04-14

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