Red Rot ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TMI what do you do when you lose your best friend who is also your husband? what happens when you don't know someone anymore because they don't want to know you. if you live through eight months of hell does that mean you're going to make it? if he's answering your calls now does that mean that he loves you? i saw a picture of him today by accident. i logged onto his computer to send out an email when the desktop wasn't working. he left his gmail open. the first message in the inbox was from his friend lauren. i wouldn't have opened it, but it said "yo face." my hand clicked automatically. instinctively. it was such a hauntingly beautiful picture of quinn. i started crying. i don't know my husband. i know that i'm the person he cant talk to, the person he least wants to be around. i kept reading his old email. that was wrong of me but when everything is wrong i don't understand how anything i do can make anything worse. i didnt know that he likes whiskey. i did know that he had a good friend named rebecca, but i didn't know that she's his best friend now. the first person you want to talk to when everything turns to shit. at the beginning of october quinn went to new york. he goes to new york a lot, but on one trip he was stuck and couldn't get home. he called a few times and after a couple of terse conversations (anxiety, frustration, too much background noise to hear each other) I booked him a ticket home. in his email he had written to rebecca. "worst fucking day of my life." he used to tell me that. she sent him a birthday present. he emailed her back. "just got your package. fucking amazing. you're the best." (i'm not looking at his email now, but i couldn't forget this). i stayed up until 5am the night before quinn's birthday putting things together for him, trying to make sure he had a nice day. my sister Lauren was in town that weekend. she later told me that everything seemed normal, more normal than she expected. the only thing different was that quinn was nice to everyone except me. I didn't know that he's smoking. I know that he smokes/has smoked but didn't think it was currently happening. He smokes 2 packs every 3 days. I don't know if this bothers me but it kills me that i didnt know this. he told her the brands he likes. am i judgmental? does my Mormonism make me unable to be told things? Am i too small a person to you to be able to accept you? to know about your life now? Nothing is a deal breaker with you. I thought nothing was a deal breaker with you but you don't want me. so i wish you would stop telling your parents that our marriage is important to you. remember when i thought you were in ny and you were camping in provincetown with people i've never met? maybe i would have liked to come. sometimes at night when i think you're working in the lab and you're really getting drinks with people from your program, maybe i would have wanted to be there. worse than no longer being lovers, we're not even friends. i seriously am fucking taking off my wedding ring this second. i have absolutely no one and i can't understand why i stopped being enough for you 2:11 a.m. - 2011-12-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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