Red Rot

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free pass summer

I've been thinking a lot about "free pass summer." Being really easy on myself. I brought it up with friends tonight and they went wide-eyed imagining Rumspringa where I get drunk and have lots of sex. I want that, but I know myself and I'm too inhibited. Debauchery is too complicated. I can't work out the implications. I just laughed. I imagined free pass summer with me hanging out in a tank top in the backyard. They laughed too, imagining me leaving potlucks without helping to clean up. "Uh, sorry guys, I gotta run.... free pass summer."

I always wanted to be tough, but I'm nice. I always wanted to be bad, but I'm good. Large parts of me want to be good. I have contradictory threads of what I want and who I am. I want simultaneous things that can't coexist.

To stop feeling crazy. To make choices without consequences. To learn how to handle disappointment, and anger, and distrust. I want to talk about terrible things and not feel disloyal.

I want a summer where no one knows my name and no one sees me again. Two or three good months.

12:16 a.m. - 2012-05-19

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