Red Rot ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A place where I'm exhausted with my own feelings. God, let it be weeks before I think of you again. I cried tonight thinking about Quinn. I don't know why I started thinking about him. My brain wanders, and I'm still awake at 2am, and I went there. I miss him and feel bad for missing him. I wonder if I should have tried harder. I remember the moment I gave up. The brokenness and exhaustion. The brokenness and exhaustion that still exist. That I can't fix, years later. People have asked me if I still love him. I do. It lingers and will probably always linger. I avoid him the way he avoids me. There's too much hurt there, an infinite amount of love and pain. And I wonder if this is infinite too, this cycle of memory and loss. How I can be feeling good (in small ways beginning to resemble the full, confident person I used to be) and suddenly remember you and lose my footing. Wonder why you left. Wonder why you never tried to keep me. I broke myself fighting for you. You were family, and I didn't want to give up on that. When our divorce is finalized I know I will cry and that relief will only be a part of it. I acknowledge the loss. This is what I can live with: 2:25 a.m. - 2013-07-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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