Red Rot ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you be both tough and nice? I feel I'm always trying to be one or the other, failing at both, apologizing for both. I watched JOY tonight and cried. It's easy to relate to seventeen years passing, finding yourself in a life you never imagined. As a woman, no one believes in you. That's pretty universal. You have to fight for every inch, every measly cent. Alexis reached out to me on FB in response to a post I made about going to Kansas City next weekend. They live in Kansas City but will be out of town. They're having a baby. They've been trying to have a baby for as long as I've known them (more than a decade). The knowledge made me really happy. Isaac emailed to say that they miss me and that made me cry. Suddenly I'm sobbing in the bathroom because I miss them too. Because 11 years have passed and there are these holes inside me that I think are fine but that will never quite be filled. And it's not about Quinn or the loss of my marriage, its about loss generally. Lost family, lost faith, lost direction, lost years. Things were never easy, but I think I'm hardened to the easy trust, the easy humor I know I once had. Maybe the deep mourning is for the clean, sure sense of self held by those who have yet to know better. 12:31 a.m. - 2017-03-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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