Red Rot ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- on feeling unresolved i'm trying. i'm still trying. i feel foolish, the pitiful accessory on our couch while he edits photographs with headphones on. while he laughs silently to community. while i tell him about my day and he says nothing in return. at home for christmas i missed him. the once-safe places a little changed by his absence. it was another first. it felt new again. one more place where 2011's crushing brokenness could taint the comfort of familiarity. dropping me off at the airport he didn't say i love you. he didn't get out of the car. I grabbed my bag from the back seat, leaned into the open door waiting, pathetically waiting. i walked away and didn't look back. in frustration i want to end it. she said not to end it, not in frustration, but i don't know what's right anymore. when i think of better times, when i think of feeling loved again, i can't see quinn. when i think of someone looking at me with warmth, i can't see quinn. i see myself. alone. so untrusting now, and fragile, but alone. stronger than i thought i was. and not waiting, being stripped raw month after month by a shadow. i wonder how much i can give. how much more i can give. how much more i should give. a small voice in the back of my head says that it could still work, that it could still work if i was willing to give whatever it took. he needs space, but doesn't know what that entails. i can't think of a space i haven't conceded. i said i could give 100% space, what else was there left to give? i feel insubstantial. should i make myself smaller and keep waiting? i offered to break it off. i've offered more than once, thinking he wants a clean ending. one where he isn't the bad guy, the one who said it first. i know this hurts him. i think this hurts him, but i don't see it. i didn't aim to hurt him, just to stop the pain in general. its circular, i can see that. pushing me away to avoid more hurt hurts me and i hurt back. its dizzying. i think that i'm fine, but i'm not fine. it's hour by hour. it's when someone asks about us, and i feel okay but suddenly i'm crying. it's hard to explain. i never told my parents about the lying. i still wanted to protect him. i have this bitter hope and a failing faith in us and a new year ahead to try and pull myself together. 11:42 p.m. - 2012-01-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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